WILL YOU JUST STOP FUCKING RAINING FOR TEN MINUTES!!!!!

Ahem.

That is all.

I'm just saying hello!

In a feat of fun of the type usually reserved for Christmas specials, Doctor Who on Saturday featured not one, but two treats. Clearly RTD is doing his darnedest to make up for the recent Dalek story, which had me, for one, longing for the good old days when Daleks did more shooting and less hovering.

Anyway, yes. Two treats. First, Captain Jack is back, and well-explained. I love Captain Jack. He's saucy and heroic and fun and he will shag you, regardless of your age, gender, or species. Second, well, I can hardly bring myself to say it, but when we realised what was happening, we got very excited and shouted "oh my god!" at the television a lot. Yes. It's true. Sam Tyler has had an accident and woken up in the year five trillion.

Now, my ideal scenario for the next two episodes would be for the Doctor and Sam Tyler to stand around in a library lit by flickering candlelight and sneer at each other wittily for an hour and a half before challenging each other to a sabre duel, but that is, sadly, unlikely to happen. I just hope that the writers don't mess it all up.

The world of unfortunate acronyms

MANPADS

I know this is going to raise a flag somewhere and make me a security risk, but really, how have I not heard this acronym before?

See what happens when you use androcentric terminology?

The Greatest Garment Ever Told

I know that many of you have been waiting with bated breath for my take on the election results and the Green/Fianna Fail coalition. Well, here it is.

Is this not the greatest garment you have ever laid eyes upon? Maybe if I am very nice to my friend Leedy, she will make me one, and I can open my own salon, and wear the dress, and people can come and have intellectual discourse around me, and then I can learn everything there is to learn about what's happening in the world, and be like some modern-day Esperanza.

I realise that this may not be what other people think when they see this fine garment, but other people are often wrong.

Jesus, what is RTE's problem?

I have just had to run to turn off the radio with my hands over my ears. Not a gainly sight, I think you'll agree. But what am I supposed to do when Morning Ireland decides to have a piece about the very last episode of The Sopranos and play clips from it? And then get someone from the San Francisco Chronicle on to talk about it?

Assholes.

Furthermore, I would like to thank RTE Two very much for their inability to actually start a programme when they say they will. We set the Sky Plus to record the Saturday night repeat of The Modest Adventures of David O'Doherty, and it managed to start about 15 minutes late, which meant we missed the last seven minutes of it and don't know whether he actually did get into the Irish chart or not.

HI DERE, RTE! A television schedule is not like a hairdresser's appointment book! It is not okay to overrun late at night because you were busy earlier in the day. Please to act like professional television network. Thank you.

Screw you, Japan.

Charismatic megafauna win a reprieve.